I’ve been doing a lot of thinking as the anniversary with my boyfriend approaches (I didn’t find evidence of him being called anything but my boyfriend in all my posts so he will be referred to as A). I’ve been thinking about where I was a year ago and how much has changed since then.
2012-2013 were pretty interesting and rough years for me. I broke up with a controlling, much older man (referred to as J) then several months later I started dating an old friend (referred to as K) who also was on probation for a felony charge. For those of you who don’t know, dating someone on probation can be really hard. There are tons of rules they have to follow, fees they have to pay and so on. It’s weird knowing a stranger has full right to search your stuff just because you live with a felon. This was also the time when my Bipolar Disorder started to get bad.
J and I had dated on and off for the better part of my first year of college. I had started to notice signs of Bipolar when I was with him but they weren’t a problem so I ignored them. I was in constant anxiety about going to work once I broke up with J since we often worked similar shifts at the same place. That was also the start of my anxiety problems even when J wasn’t involved.
I started dating K in the summer & we moved in together almost instantly (horrible, horrible plan). He was technically homeless but technically lived with his dad so that he would be on OK terms with his Probation Officer. K was the first guy I ever lived with and it was a struggle sometimes. I supported K during 90% of our relationship since he had a hard time finding a job with the felony and all. That put a huge strain on me. I worked 30 hours or so a week, went to school full time and regularly volunteered so I didn’t take care of myself much and it was easy to tell.
Once the Bipolar started getting worse, my relationship with K got worse. I also had a hard time at work and school. I had gotten a referral at one point for a psychological evaluation but I was put on a 7 month waiting list to get in. Finally in December, I went to the local ER hoping to get somewhere. I didn’t. K didn’t even care that I was having a breakdown and was in the ER (so glad I have my mum). Also, not long before the ER trip, I had a miscarriage. It was painful and devastating. That put another rip in our relationship even though we weren’t trying to get pregnant. I almost went to the ER another time but I knew it wouldn’t help and only contribute to my medical debt.
K dumped me sometime in January because of my Bipolar. That did horrible things to my emotions since I was already rapid cycling. In the end it’s wonderful that he’s out of my life.
Finally, I said F*ck it and went to a local psychiatric center. The psychiatrist I saw that first day was horrible. She talked down to me, said I didn’t have Bipolar that I was overreacting about it basically (even though I’m working on being a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the mental health field and knew the signs and symptoms because of my family history with it), she also said it was a drug and alcohol problem at the root. Drug and alcohol problems often go hand in hand with Bipolar. Luckily, they set me up to see someone else later that week.
From there, things had been looking up. A guy in my brother fraternity had started trying to woo me even though I wasn’t ready for a relationship. He would go out of his way to make me feel better and be helpful when I told him what was going on. His mother also had severe Bipolar so he wasn’t going in blind. He took me to my appointments when I had no car, let me ramble on about what seemed nonsensical but it was how I was feeling or thinking and showed me how I deserve to be treated. It also helped that he cooks and bakes ;).
I started a medication in February 2013 and it was a horrible process. I was on Lamictal and it made my eczema 10 times worse and I spent more time not feeling anything. Sex was terrible on the medication. I slept a lot and felt empty inside even though I knew I should be happy. I absolutely hated it. I ended up stopping it before I planned to because I lost my insurance coverage. Currently, I’m receiving no treatment because I still have no insurance. That’s a whole other story and process there.
It’s so amazing the change between having an uncaring, unsupportive partner to having a loving and caring partner who would do whatever possible to help. Looking back on the past year has helped me realize what is important to me, allowed me to see growth within myself and learn how I should be treated. I wouldn’t trade any of the bad shit that has happened to me for the world. The bad always makes the good so much better.
And I know 100% that life is heading in the right direction and I love it. That’s what matters to me.
Jade Myra 